Hey Reader!

​

Thank you for praying for my time at the Restore Conference. Here are some highlights. I had the opportunity to talk about healing from past church bewilderment. There's a good summary of my talk here.​

​

​

I came home to some sort of flu, so I'm feeling pretty achy and feverish this week. Prayers appreciated as I have so much to do and very little energy to do it!

Way:

​

(NOTE: this article came from my new Substack account. If you'd like this kind of long form essay content on a weekly basis, you can subscribe here).

​

the gift of the gut

​

Every time I got on a call with her, my stomach roiled. And then would come these accusations, character assassinations, and unfounded assumptions about me. It took me hours to settle my body down, and my ulcer returned amid that toxic environment. But I let the abuse continue, trying to buck up, making myself un-nauseous, and railing against myself for not taking criticism well. The problem, I surmised, must be me. Solely me.

​

But my body told a different story.

​

More recently, my stomach (where my stress goes) churns when a specific phone number pops up. Not that the person on the other end is abusive (though there were moments of that, to be sure), but that they have become entirely capricious and unpredictable. I don’t know what will come out of their mouth, and often it’s confusing.

​

With church hurt still as my backdrop, I cannot view one person’s face or hear their voice without a physical reaction. I chastise myself for not getting over the pain quickly, for not “forgiving quickly, then forgetting.” Sad thing is: even if I did all that swiftly, my body still doesn’t feel safe.

​

Instead of chastising myself, though, I’m learning to thank my body. It showed me when I was in an unsafe situation. It caused me to run when yet another predator came near in childhood. It helped me get to safe places when I’d ventured into unsafe ones. It vomited violently when I returned to the scene of the crimes against me (as a five-year-old), reminding me that trauma is baked in and hard to heal from. It remembered all those moments of hellacious predation. It can’t be covered up with a bandaid. It needs surgery.

​

Instead of trying to swallow my reactions and malign myself for having stomach aches in difficult situations, I am learning to be curious. Those eruptions and discomforts are important warning signs to pay attention to, not to squelch or silence. They are gifts hardwired by God into my body that remind me that danger is near and to be cautious.

​

As I type this, I wonder how Jesus must’ve felt in unsafe situations, how his stomach may have roiled during false accusations, trumped up charges, beatings undeserved, and crucifixion. Because he is all knowing, he understood the physical implications of what would befall him as he prayed in the Garden.

​

He endured bodily harm for our sake.

​

He took on the predation of others for our sake.

​

He bore the weight of accusations, abuse, and misunderstanding for our sake.

​

As a human being, he felt those pangs. He understood our human bodies, our painful traumas, our reaction to stress.

​

I’m grateful he understands. I’m thankful he is patient with me. I am humbled that he hardwired caution into my body to help protect me. I am hopeful that I’ll become wiser when my gut’s in an uproar. I pray I’ll grow.

​

And when I feel so utterly small, and I chastise myself for having a protective physical reaction, I can sink into the love of Jesus who understands, who died for me (and you!), and who walked through hell for me.

​

I hope I’ve learned to “trust my gut” more. But more than that, I hope I am learning to be kinder to myself, to offer myself grace, to realize the human experience is nuanced and not so simplistic. And that we are complex folks with complex traumas in complex situations.

​

And yet, even then, we are loved.

​

​Play

These are unique Scripture cards that tell you who you are! There's one for every day of the month, truths like:

• I am chosen
• I am healed
• I am loved
• I am held
• I am fruitful

Each is accompanied by a Scripture. Enjoy!

​

Pray

​

Jesus, would you help Reader find you in their physical reactions? Please heal Reader's fear, pain, trauma, worries, and stress! Retrain and reframe Reader's thinking from stressed out to joyful. Give Reader supernatural reassurance in that area of weakness. Protect Reader from the lies of the evil one. In Jesus's name I pray, Amen.

​
​

You are a delight, Reader!
​

With joy,

Mary

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​